


A Complicated Gift

by Afoolforatook



Series: An Anthology of Affection [18]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst, Clover was hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of loss, Grief, Loss, M/M, Minor suicidal ideation, No Beta, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, but is alright, emotional block
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25275949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Afoolforatook/pseuds/Afoolforatook
Summary: When you know how painful loss can be.Opening yourself up to that kind of loss again, no matter how worth it it seems.Can seem like the cruelest betrayal.------------Part 18Saw a post of kissing prompts. Liked a bunch of them. Decided to give myself a daily challenge to get myself actually publishing things while I work on bigger projects.One prompt a day. Under 1500 words (or close to it).
Relationships: Qrow Branwen/Clover Ebi, Qrow Branwen/Summer Rose
Series: An Anthology of Affection [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805008
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is another....BIG emotional one... I went on a bit of an emotional vent rant last night and the main chunk of this dialogue came out... 
> 
> Clover was seriously hurt but is mostly recovered at the start of this, no graphic mentions of injury or recovery. 
> 
> Yeah... just... like, really... Some big big BIG hurt/comfort... just so you have a good heads up
> 
> This could be same universe as my Loving Anyway series, the main thing being that Qrow and Summer were a couple when she died.

Prompt 18 (changed) - A gentle kiss to comfort the other. 

\----------------

“Qrow, please, just hold on!” Clover called, hurrying after his partner as he rushed from the infirmary. 

\---------

Clover had been injured badly in a fight a little over a week before. Badly enough that it had been touch and go right at the beginning. And even once he was stable he’d had to stay under his doctor's care for longer than he would have liked.

He was exhausted most days, and whenever he would wake up long enough to see Qrow sitting by his bedside, Qrow would speak only enough to soothe him and insist they talk about things once he was better. 

Now, he was better. Or, mostly, at least. There would still be a while before he was allowed back into the field, but he was at least allowed to go home. 

Qrow had come to check in on him and found him dressed, getting ready to leave. Clover smiled at his boyfriend and pulled him close, relishing their first embrace since everything had happened. 

Qrow returned the movement but Clover could tell he was hesitant. He knew how worried Qrow must have been this whole time. He couldn’t even let himself think of the difficult nights he’d have had to get through on his own. 

Clover pulled away, cupping Qrow’s face. 

“Let’s go home. Call it an early night. I’ve missed you next to me.” He whispered, laying a gentle kiss against the other man’s lips. 

Clover’s heart clenched as he saw tears well up in Qrow’s eyes and he was prepared for his partner to cling to him, tell him how scared he’d been. 

But he didn’t. Qrow slowly pulled from his hold and stroked Clover’s cheek cautiously. 

His voice was tiny. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Clover… but… I lo-... Clover.”

He sighed, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, Clover. I can’t do this right now. I… I’ll come by tomorrow morning but… I just. I can’t be here right now, Cloves. I’m sorry.” 

And the older man turned, slipping from the room before Clover could catch him. 

By the time he had followed him into the hall, a small black speck was flying on the other side of an open window. 

Clover stood there, dumbfounded and shaking slightly, before finally heading back to his suite. 

\------

He reached his room and threw the small bag of things he’d had brought to him in the infirmary onto his bed. He slumped on the couch heavily, wincing as he should have been more careful with his still tender injuries. 

He didn’t know what to do. He was trying not to panic but the look of pain and anger and confusion on Qrow’s face just played over and over in his mind. 

He pulled his scroll out, shooting a quick message. 

_“Don’t have to talk. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”_

He waited for a few minutes. With no response. 

_“Please, Qrow. I just need to know you’re okay. ”_

Finally. 

_“I’m sorry I left like that… worried you. I… I just don’t know what to do now.”_

_“Where are you.”_

_“My room. I’ll… I’ll come by in the morning…I’m okay.”_

Clover's stomach knotted at the idea of Qrow spending another night alone when Clover was finally able to be there for him again.

“I _don’t want to leave you alone another night, Qrow. I know you haven’t been sleeping well.”_

_“Clover. I’m fine. Please, just…”_

_“I’m coming over.”_

He was already out the door and headed down the hall, ignoring the dull ache of pain that coursed through him, when Qrow responded. 

_“Clover, don't! You’ve already done a lot today, you need to rest!”_

Clover just quickened his pace, his breathing getting a little heavy. 

He was just about to turn the corner to Qrow’s hall when the man came around it himself. Clover pushed towards him as Qrow startled and rushed to support him. 

“Clover! You can’t do that. You’ll open a wound back up.” It was all he could do not to yell at him, the tension of the last few weeks at a boiling point. 

“You were lying. You aren’t okay. You haven’t been okay this whole time.” He looked his partner in the eye, unwavering even as his head spun with pain. 

“Qrow, you said we would talk when they let me go. If you can’t talk now, fine, I won’t push. But I’m not just leaving you alone when you’re obviously hurting.” 

Qrow’s jaw clenched and he sighed, pulling Clover’s arm around his shoulders and wrapping an arm around his chest to support him. 

“Fine, you stubborn idiot. If it means you’ll stop and let yourself rest before you get hurt again.” 

Clover nodded, leaning on him gratefully as he was guided back to Qrow’s room. 

Qrow opened the door and slowly led Clover to his bed, helping him sit and get settled comfortably. He brought over a glass of water and then insisted he stay still while he checked to make sure none of his wounds had reopened. Everything seemed fine, though he could tell how tense the younger man was, and was sure that a few bruises seemed bigger and deeper than when he'd last seen them. 

Finally, he moved away, sitting at the end of the bed, cupping his hands over his mouth as he breathed, trying to figure out what to do now. 

He jumped slightly when Clover spoke. 

“Qrow… I… I’m sorry. I know what I said and if you really can’t talk yet I understand but… Please, just tell me why? I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sor-”

“Clover, stop…” 

He looked up to see the older huntsman finally looking at him, eyes sparkling again with tears. He tried to move forward but Qrow glared at him, moving towards him instead. But he still kept a distance. 

He sighed and let his head drop back into his hands. His voice was muffled as he spoke. 

“Clover… you have nothing to apologize for. It’s me… It’s my…” Clover heard a slow rattling breath as Qrow worked hard to keep from crying. 

“I don’t know what to do, Clover. I don’t know how to do this… Us.” The last word caught in his throat painfully. 

It burned Clover in it’s quiet, broken sound. He slowly reached for Qrow’s hand.

“Q-qrow… We… We’ve talked about this. I… I know you’re scared. I know these past few weeks must have been terrifying and I… I wasn’t here to help you through it… I’m so -”

“I’m not just scared, Clover!” Qrow barked, pushing off of the bed, his hands pulling through his hair as he paced. 

“I...gods… Fuck, Clover… I… I’m angry! I’m so damn angry!” 

Clover wilted, tears pricking at his own eyes now. “I- Qrow I’m so sorry, please just tell me what I-” 

Qrow spun to face him, eyes soft and gut-wrenchingly apologetic. 

“Oh, Cloves. I… Not with you, Clover. I’m not angry with you.” 

Another shaking breath and he moved forward, slipping down and sitting beside the bed, his back pressed to his bedside table. His hands covered his face again as Clover watched him, utterly confused. 

Silence stretched for a while until Qrow finally spoke. 

“I… I’m angry… I’m angry with myself, Clover… and it… it’s not fair! I-I hate myself for it but…” He heaved another breath and Clover barely caught the muffled words. 

“I'm just so angry with myself.”

Clover reached down, petting soft dark hair cautiously, ready to retreat if Qrow balked at the touch. But his heart melted as he felt his partner wilt, and a hand slowly lift to find his, holding it as it trembled. They sat like that for a while, until finally, Qrow spoke again. 

“I… I love you, Clover. I love you. I- I chose to _let myself_ love you. And I choose to love you every day. And… and I don’t regret that. But…” He squeezed Clover’s hand as he forced the next words out through gritted teeth. 

“But in some way I do. Some way, deep down in my gut… I’m furious at myself for opening myself up to that kind of pain again. For letting myself be vulnerable to… for putting myself in a position to risk that kind of loss again. I’m furious that I… that I allowed someone else… someone else to make me feel afraid like that again. Alone like that. Hopeless like that again. I…”

He breathed, the words having all rushed out in one long breath once he started. 

“I just… I kept watching you in that bed and… I should have just been grateful. Grateful you were alive. And I was! I am! I’m so-” His voice broke with a sob and he leaned up, hugging Clover’s hand to his face, cool tears against his cheeks. “I’m so glad I didn’t lose you… I… I didn’t lose you.” He whispered it into the warm hand like a blessing. 

“But I sat there and… and I just felt so angry. Angry that I made it possible to lose you. That, after everything, I put my heart back on this ledge when it’s still - when it always will be - so broken. And I just opened it up to being broken all over again. I’m angry that I choose this fear again when _I knew_ how much it hurt. And _I knew_ I wouldn’t survive that pain again.” 

He turned, pushing onto his knees and kneeling beside his bed, holding Clover’s slightly shaking hand to his lips. His eyes were tightly closed, voice ragged.

“I’m so sorry. How… How can I feel like that… how can I say that… I’m awful. I’m terrible for not just being grateful and happy that you’re here. Because I am! Clover, please you have to know... I am. But how… How can I be so unbelievably happy, relieved, revived, to know that you’re okay… and at the same time have this pit in my gut telling me to run. To get out before it actually happens. Before I actually lose you. How can I be that horrible!?”

“Qro-” Clover whispered, trying to soothe the man, but he barrelled on. 

“How can I want nothing more right now than to kiss you and hold you and protect you from every bad thing in the world and promise you that I’ll never let you go, I’ll never let anything hurt you.” A gasping breath.

“And at the same time just want to fly away and never come back… To you. To the… to the kids. My family. How can I love you all more than I can possibly bear, and still have this piece of me that says I should leave, and just be alone until I can finally die. Because… because that would hurt so much, Clover. Leaving you, leaving all of you would destroy me. But… But at least it won’t be this constant fear as I wait, wait to watch myself just let my soul be shattered all over when I lose the person I love, the person I need, most in the world...again?”

He looked up and met Clover’s eyes with a sadness that seemed to draw all the air from the room. 

"I...I can't do that again, Clover... I _cant._ " The words were cracked and raw and heavy with a loss that had long ago rooted itself in Qrow's chest.

“How can I just sit and wait for that to happen, and not hate myself for wanting to run before it does. How can I be so selfish? How can I be here and have you and hold you and know you’re okay… and still have a part of me that only wants to shield _myself_ from that pain? 

Clover stared at him, tears freely streaming down his face. 

“Oh...Q-qrow…” seafoam eyes begged him. “Qrow, please. Please come here.” 

Qrow shook his head, starting to pull away and stand. “No. No, Clover, you’re still hurt. I won’t… I’m not going to risk hurting you more.” 

Clover’s voice was strained, nearly ragged. “Qrow. Seeing you like this, knowing you’ve been dealing with this on your own, knowing that I haven’t been able to help you through this… how many nights you’ve been in here on your own and hurting so much… because of me… Qrow, my… my sweet bird, that is hurting me. Please, just… Please I know how hard this is. I know how terrible you think you are but, honey, it’s okay. You’re not awful, you’re not selfish. You’re hurting, Qrow. In a way that I pray that I will never have a chance to understand. But please. Qrow, please, just. Let me be here for you again. Let me help you.” 

Qrow stared at him, eyes wide and pained. 

Slowly he pushed himself up and walked around to the other side of the bed, before carefully climbing in beside Clover. He laid down a few inches from him, careful not to jostle or touch him. 

“You won’t break me, Qrow.” Clover whispered, gesturing him forward, closer against his side. 

“I’m not so sure about that.” Came the timid reply. 

“Qrow. Please.” 

Slowly he moved over, snuggling up to Clover’s side as gently as possible, on high alert for any sign of pain. 

Clover sighed thankfully, dropping his head to Qrow’s shoulder. He took his hand and interlaced their fingers, his other gently rubbing over Qrow’s thigh in reassurance. They sat silent for a long while. 

Until finally, Clover broke the silence. 

“Qrow… I.. I need to tell you something. And… I need you to just listen to me, okay?” Clover looked up at him. 

Qrow stared blankly. 

“Okay?

He nodded weakly. 

“And… I need you to hear what I’m saying. I need you to not start blaming yourself, because it is not, even for a moment, your fault.” 

Qrow shrank away, nervous. 

“I need you to promise.” 

“I… I promise.” 

“Good. Because... listen. This… this is a good thing, really. It’s a sign of how much you mean to me. How much I love you. Do you understand?” He raised an eyebrow expectantly. 

Qrow gave the tiniest nod. 

Clover took a deep breath and squeezed Qrow’s hand before starting. 

“Qrow… You scare me sometimes. Or… rather… I’m scared _for_ you. Not worried about you being safe or being too hard on yourself but… Scared of… Of what would happen to you.” He paused for another breath, pacing himself. 

“Of what would happen to you if something were to happen to me. Or… or gods forbid one of those kids. Part of your family.” 

He felt Qrow stiffen but pushed on. 

“I’m scared of seeing how it would hurt you. And not being able to fix that pain. I’m scared of watching you suffer like I know you did for so long on your own. But… But even worse… I’m terrified of being the cause of that pain. And not being here to help you.” 

He rubbed Qrow’s thigh soothingly as he spoke, feeling the tension winding in the man at his side. 

“I’m not scared of dying, Qrow. I’m scared of hurting you. I’m scared of causing you that horrible pain that already haunts you. That pain that I would give anything to just shield you from forever. I’m scared of not being able to be there for you. To protect you. From the rest of the world, and from yourself.” A breath. 

“While I was recovering I thought a lot. I thought about what I would do if something ever happened to you. How I would deal. How I would want you back at any cost… but I realized something. If I were to lose you, and somehow have a chance to take your place, trade your life for mine? I… I’m not sure that I would.” He gripped Qrow’s hand as he felt warm red eyes on him. 

“I would want to. I would want to more than anything. But in actuality? I’m not sure I could. Because, brothers, Qrow. I want you to _live_. I want you to live the long happy life you have always deserved. But…” He raised Qrow’s hand to his lips. 

“But I don’t think I could do it, knowing that I’d be putting you through that kind of grief again. I don't think I could force that on you even to give you that life you deserve." Clover closed his eyes tight, breathing through the painful tightness in his chest; tears and wounds compounding. 

"Because I've seen how it still hurts you every day. And I know that despite how much I may want you to live beyond me, there are things for you that are worse than death. And as much as it would pain me to let you go, I know that that's not a choice I can make for you.”

Qrow’s chest shook with a silent wave of tears. 

Clover continued. “I don’t know which scares me more. Losing you and knowing that you lost you too; you lost everything you should get to be, and that breaking me. Or leaving you to face that loss on your own.”

“I’m terrified of confirming all your worst fears, Qrow. I’m terrified of hurting you in the one way I never ever want to. I’m terrified of being the reason you break again, and not being here to help you get back up and put yourself together again. I’m terrified of being the reason you lose hope, of being the thing that causes you to return to that deep dark place you’ve worked so damn hard to escape.” 

He looked at Qrow finally, eyes soft and filled with an aching, desperate love. 

“I… I don’t say that to make you guilty or make you think I in any way regret this. Us. Because I don’t. And I could never blame you for that Qrow. Because I should thank you it.” 

Qrow’s brow furrowed in confusion and Clover silently gritted his teeth as he leaned over, pulling the man’s shoulders so that he could rest his forehead against his. 

“That fear is awful. It’s agonizing. But, Qrow. It’s only there because of the amazing, beautiful, unequivocable* love you gave me.” 

He closed his eyes, pressing forward against Qrow’s forehead. 

“You didn’t just give me your love Qrow. You, you beautiful, flawed, precious man, you gave me my love for you. That, that love that you created in me, that you gifted me in so many ways you never even knew of? That is something I can never repay you for, not in a million lifetimes.” 

Clover brushed the tears from Qrow’s face as he felt them fall, never opening his eyes. 

“You are my love, Qrow. Not because you are the man I love. But because you are where my love comes from. You are in everything I cherish because you _are_ my love. And as awful as that fear is? It’s a part of that love. I can’t have that love without that fear as well. I can’t have who you have made me without it. You gave me that gift and all the good and the bad that it carries and I wouldn’t change a single part of it. I wouldn’t change a single part of you and who you’ve helped me become. You are a part of me. We aren’t the good and bad sides of a coin, Qrow. We are fused together. Nothing can ever change that. Not time or distance or anger or pain or even death.” 

He lifted his head, kissing Qrow’s forehead firmly, pausing as he pushed the swell of tears that was lodged in his own chest. 

“So, whenever that fear takes hold. I remember why it’s there at all. And I remember how grateful, how honored, how proud, how blessed I am to get to love you. And to be enough to deserve your love, despite how much it scares you to give it.” 

Clover let out a slow shaky breath as he hugged Qrow to his chest, and as Qrow tried to be gentle with him, to not cause any pain, even as his body shook with weeks of tears that he had fought off on his own. 

Clover spoke softly into soft ashen hair. 

“So, Qrow, my kind, beautiful, strong, broken bird; be angry. Be scared and sad and confused and everything else. Because none of it will ever take me from you. Because I know. I know it’s all part of how you love me. And that you have given me that, is the luckiest I could ever hope to be."


	2. Podfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did a few edits and wanted to try recording something with a heavier emotional tone so...

[Farley - Afoolforatook](https://soundcloud.com/farley-141208444) · [A Complicated Gift](https://soundcloud.com/farley-141208444/a-complicated-gift/s-OmF5Dtusplb)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprised at how much I was able to turn it on and off to switch between dialogue and narration. 
> 
> Honestly what gave me the most trouble was a) keeping my voice low on emotional lines (and my accent not too strong... Clover's "Do you understand" took like four tries...) and b) doing that and keeping their voices distinctive, which I'm not completely sure I did but.
> 
> Also, miraculously, barely any Sylvie background meows. Though I did forget to turn the fan off so some meh room noise...

**Author's Note:**

> Does it show that I spent three years doing nothing but trying to understand the pain that comes with love???
> 
> I rushed to edit this and post before midnight so probs still a ton of little edits to catch.....  
> *so I went on a rant in the server about this and I might turn it into a tumblr post. But no, unequivocable is not actually a word. But it should be and it’s specifically what I mean here. So without the long etymology rant, here is my definition of unequivocable. 
> 
> un- not/ equi- equally/ voc- call/ able- possible. Unequivocable - Not equally expressible, unquantifiable not in concept but in speech. 
> 
> \---------  
> There were 50 prompts originally, but I've already thought of a few more. Also had multiple ideas for a few, which is why some might be listed as chapter 1, with a future version of the prompt coming later.
> 
> Might not end up sticking strictly to the daily thing, but I'll do my best. Either way, here's an ongoing series of little moments.
> 
> Original prompt list - https://kashimalin-fanfiction.tumblr.com/post/178524845380/50-types-of-kisses-writing-prompts
> 
> Might edit here and there later, but the goal here was to just finish something, even if it's not perfectly polished.


End file.
